In case I've forgotten to include the Puppy Optimized Operating Protocols (POOP) in the Puppy Packet, here's a copy:

Dear Customer,

Congratulations on acquiring your Labrador. Please find the instructions for your particular model listed below.

Although your Labrador comes fully assembled, due to particular issues during production, we do occasionally have problems with components such as screws. They invariably are either loose or missing altogether.


Your Labrador is pre-installed with the highest software and hardware. This includes the loyalty chip, the love everyone chip, fun chip and, of course, the highly popular mayhem chip. They are all running on the Whatthehell operating system 12.2. Although this has been in circulation for many years, we have found it simply cannot be improved upon.

Mode 1

This is the sleep mode, activated for the majority of the day as the Labrador ages. This is normal and you should not worry about it, just accept the peace and quiet while you can.

Mode 2

Anarchy. Although we have tried to ease the effects of Anarchy mode, it’s not always possible. There are inherent issues with the timer settings of Anarchy mode in regards to there being none. Should your Labrador suddenly go from comatose to running around the walls, we're sorry, we cannot stop this feature.


Do not allow your Labrador to stay in the sun too long. if left unattended they recharge. Too much of a charge and Mode 2 can be activated without warning.

Energy consumption

This has been an ongoing issue as their energy consumption is too direct. We have tried to put baffles, non-return valves and diversions in place, but none seem to work adequately. Safe to say what goes in, comes out, in both solids and gas. The gas, although noxious, can only inhibit breathing of the owner for up to ten minutes.


We ask you not to try to open a Labrador's zipper on their back as this will invalidate your one-hour warranty. Rumors that they are merely toddlers in a dog suit is highly contested.


Your Labrador comes untitled as we feel owners should use names of their own choosing. If you are unsure, we have listed below a few names our owners like to use:

  • Shithead
  • You’re kidding me
  • Is that yours?
  • Don’t you dare
  • Drop it
  • Asshole
  • Put that down
  • Get that out of your mouth

We hope you have many years of enjoyment with your Labrador. Please be aware that by the time you have read this, your warranty will have run out. Unfortunately, we do not renew warranties and we do not offer refunds or returns...ever. It’s your problem now.

Should you have any questions you can reach us on 1-800-what-now.

Thank you.


This has been making the rounds for awhile now. I don't know who wrote it, but it's so cute, I had to share. If you are the author or know who is, please let me know so I can credit them.

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